Trump Told the Nation He'd Send Iran "Back to the Stone Ages," Oil Surged $11 in a Day, the Dow Fell 668 Points Then Recovered, and Iran Said It's Working on a Hormuz "Protocol"

S&P reversed from -1.5% to close +0.11% at 6,583. WTI surged 13% to $112, biggest daily gain since 2020. Blue Owl gated at 41% redemption requests. First weekly gain since war began.

📊 THE MARKET BREAKDOWN

Satirical daily market intelligence for traders who think in systems, not headlines.

Issue #209 | April 2, 2026